Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! Thereís a reason you donít talk to people for 25 years. Because you donít particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days ó mowing my lawn.
Donít eat anything thatís served to you out a window unless youíre a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendyís chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?? Trout?
Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Hereís how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, weíre done.
Thereís no such thing as flavored water. Thereís a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket; water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. Thatís your flavored water.
Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle thatís square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a ďdecaf Grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-ní-Low, and one NutraSweet,Ē ooh, youíre a huge asshole.
Iím not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing ďEnter,Ē verifying the amount, deciding no, I donít want cash back, and pressing ďEnterĒ again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesnít make you spiritual. Itís right above the crack of your ass and it translates to ďbeef with broccoli.Ē The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you werenít pregnant.
Competitive eating isnít a sport. Itís one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too exciting. Whatís next, competitive farting??? Oh wait! Theyíre already doing that. Itís called ďThe Howard Stern Show.Ē
I donít need bigger, mega M&Ms. If Iím extra hungry for M&Ms, Iíll go nuts and eat two.
No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now itís for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isnít gift giving, itís the white people version of looting.
When I ask how old your toddler is, I donít need to know in months ( e.g. 27 Months.) ďHeís two,Ē will do just fine. Heís not a cheese. And I didnít really care in the first place.
If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for Godís sake donít pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, ďDo you want fries with that?Ē